I hardly know how to introduce this except to say that every time I wanted to start my blog, my mind went blank because I tried to avoid writing the following, but there’s no way around it. So, here it is…my heart poured out.
For a life worth living there’s got to be sacrifice. I don’t want to play church, I refuse. I am the church and with all my heart I long to be what He’s calling us to be; alive, vibrant, intimate with Him, powerful, walking in the miraculous. I don’t want the scripture…having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof, to ever be applied to my life. I long to see us, His people expecting His Possible in every ‘impossible’ situation; no matter the bumps and bruises of past experience.
For a long time I’ve grieved for what was lost, abandoned. The River that flowed. I allowed this to drain joy from my life. Even though I tried to ignore my feelings and to push down thoughts, my frustration, bitterness, sense of betrayal and anger grew. I had to be honest with myself; why was I frequently angry? It was difficult to be honest and face how I felt about this situation and my over dependence on a ‘Body’, an institution, instead of wholly on Him.
It’s easy to point the finger but that’s a victims game. I am more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus. I will keep my eyes on Jesus and not on man. I alone am responsible for my relationship with Him and our depths and heights of intimacy. If I long for His Spirit then I will go after Him on my own time. I’ll sacrifice, I’ll make the time to quench my thirst. I knew that and yet I found myself trudging along, grumbling about how it wasn’t like it used to be but at the same time not being vigilant about my own time of ’soaking’ at home.
Several weeks ago, This scripture really brought it home for me and convicted me; Jeremiah 17:7-8 But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and has made the Lord his hope and confidence. He is like a tree planted along a riverbank, with its roots reaching deep into the water-a tree not bothered by the heat nor worried by long months of drought. Its leaves stay green and it goes right on producing all its luscious fruit.
I want to be like that tree. Not only does it stay alive and vibrant, it actually produces luscious fruit.
I still look back and sigh for what was, I’m still disappointed with current circumstances and there’s days that I still neglect my own pursuit of Him…I’m still working out the process, learning. But I also look forward with joy, no matter the desert that I traverse. And in this desert I’ve grown, matured. I’m experiencing freedom; especially from fear of man and from a dependence and pride of ‘where my church is at.’ I no longer try to conform to a certain mold. I don’t have to worry about what ‘they’ might think because I live to please and honour Him; my Everything, my All. I want to truly be me and not shrink back from who I am and who He made me to be. I know that the Lord is in control and He is always up to something good. Just writing that makes me excited.
So, I am expecting…Yes, literally. Our baby Violette will soon be born. And spiritually, with all my heart I’m expectant for His River; flowing without constraint, in me, my family, my church…
I long for soo much more. For me, especially for my children, for us all. I’m not content with just the routine of Sunday. I want the life-bursting, manifest presence of the Most High God to be supernaturally natural in my life and in my church. He’s so spectacularly amazing, wonderful, kind and good, longing to show Himself strong for us if only we would trust and believe. How I long for the World (and most of the Church world) to see this about Him-in us, in me! I hardly know how to express this with words.
So many Christians don’t even know how deep and wide and long and high is His love for us. And that because of that love He longs to do above and beyond all that we could ever ask, hope or think. If Christians don’t know or believe how will the world ever know? The world needs to see a Strong God, full of love and compassion and Power!!!! I don’t want to use the word magical, our society is super-saturated with magic, but He IS the ultimate Supernatural One…Do you know what I mean? My desire is for Him to be exalted and revealed as The Faithful and Miraculous Supplier of all our needs and our hearts desires. After all, He delights in blessing us, surprising us – he’s the lover of our soul. The greatest Lover of all time.
Happy early Valentines Day.
